Bob and Bubba

Bob and Bubba

Jan 19

One day Bob and Bubba went fishing. They were catching a lot of fish so they wanted to figure out how to remember this part of the lake. Bob said, ”I know. I can spit in the water!” But Bubba said, ” No! How will we know it’s your spit?” They thought and thought and finally Bob said, ” I know. We can draw an ‘X’ right here on the side of the boat!” But Bubba said ”No, no, Bob. That won’t work! How will we know that we get the same boat next time?

Tell something positive

Tell something positive

Jan 18

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby” She turns to her husband and says… “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself”.
He thinks about it for a bit and then says “well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”.

Dear Employees

Dear Employees

Jan 17

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this by?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues…
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

man vs good

man vs good

Jan 17

Man: God?
God: Yes!?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Yes.
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million of dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second!

Economic Stimulus Payment

Economic Stimulus Payment

Jan 14

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A
format:

“Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
“A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

“Q. Where will the government get this money?
“A. From taxpayers.

“Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
“A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

“Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
“A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

“Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
“A. Shut up.”