Speed limit enforced by sniper

Enemies

-You should slip into something more comfortable…
- Like what?
- A coma.

4/27

National Surprise Drug Test Day!

get 6-packs in seconds

Source: http://failblog.org/?p=157452

State trooper

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper

Get Well

Doctor: You have an extreme rare disease, we are going to keep you in a insulate room and give you to eat only pizza and pancakes.
Patient: So, the pizza and the pancakes will help me get well?
Doctor: NO, but is the only food we can slide under the door!

Questioner

What should you drink in the morning?

1. Do you like Justin Bieber  > No > Orange juice

> Yes > Battery acid

Bieber’s wishes

- Mom, can I dye my hair pink?
- No!
- Mom, can I wear makeup?
- No!
- Can I wear a pink dress and stilettos?
- No!
- Mom, can I have a Barbie?
- No!
- Ohh come on mom, I’m 17 now!
- Oh, shut up Justin!

my first kiss

- Hey dude, I just had my first kiss!
- Really? You know, your mum doesn’t count…
- Yeah… but your does!

on the spot

- Dude, so yesterday I was at a restaurant and I really really needed to pass gas.
- and…
- The music was really loud, so I did it.
- and…
- well… then I realized I was listening to my iPod.